Hearing the news
When a lump or a symptom means a trip to the doctor, there are often several days of waiting for test results to come in and not knowing what you might be dealing with. All kinds of thoughts can go through the person’s mind and through yours. This can be a very scary time. If the person who might be facing cancer confides in you, it is probably because of the need to share that anxiety. This is when you should listen and try to help your loved one keep hoping for the best. Waiting is always hard, but having someone to wait with eases the burden.
Some people may sense that they have cancer before they get the diagnosis from their doctor. Each person will receive and react to the diagnosis in a different way. Some may want to talk about what the doctor said in detail. Others may not want to talk about it at all. Sometimes, the person’s need to talk will change from day to day. Simply asking the person, “Would you like to talk about it?” is a direct and respectful way to find out.
Finding out it’s cancer
If cancer is found, it should be the doctor who tells your loved one about the diagnosis. Think about whether you should be there when the doctor discusses test results. Sometimes when the doctor talks with the patient and the family at the same time, it gives the patient a feeling of support to have others in the room. But some people with cancer prefer to keep their talks with the doctor private. Just ask the patient whether you should plan to go along for the test results.
How the doctor shares the news with the person who has cancer depends on the doctor’s personal style and sense of the patient’s needs and feelings. These factors also influence how much information the doctor gives the patient. The doctor will also take the family’s cues and questions into account when family members or loved ones are with the patient. Most doctors make it a policy to be honest about the diagnosis, treatment options, and treatment outlook. Having an honest approach from the start sets the stage for a trusting relationship among the doctor, patient, and loved ones. This allows for talks to be open, and allows for give and take between the doctor and patient or family.
People are often shocked when they first hear the word cancer. It may be hard for them to hear or remember anything else after that. Many people can take in only small amounts of upsetting information. If a family member or friend is there, they should pay close attention. Later on, they may be needed to help remember and explain what was said.
If you sense that your loved one with cancer is having trouble taking in information and you are sharing what you heard from the doctor visit, don’t get into a lot of detail all at once. Ask if you’ve given too much information or if you should stop talking for a while. If the discussion is too much at the time, you can assure the patient that loved ones and the health care team are available and concerned. Remind your loved one that these people will be ready to talk about the illness in the future, if that’s what is needed.
If you are not comfortable talking about cancer, you may not be the best person for the patient to talk with at this time. You may need some time and an expert to help you work through your own feelings. You can even explain to your loved one that you are having trouble talking about cancer. Tell her or him that you would like to talk, but don’t feel you are the best person right now. A social worker, counselor, or other friend or family member may be able to offer more support at this time. You can suggest that your loved one seek support from them. Make sure the person with cancer understands that your trouble talking is your issue, your problem. You may also want to mention that you want to be there for support in spite of this, and hope to be there in the future.
If you would like to find out more on living with cancer and its treatment, we have another booklet called After Diagnosis: A Guide for Patients and Families. You can get a copy by calling us, or you can read it on our Web site.